No Chemistry? Letting Them Down Softly

So you dated this person for a while, and you finally realized that it's just not going anywhere and there is no romantic future for you two. What do you do now?

While you don't want to hurt his or her feelings, you need to come across with enough clarity that she or he gets the message. How do you achieve this? It's easier said than done.

Remember that if you aren't happy in a relationship, chances are your partner senses that and they are not happy either. How can you tell a partner that you do not have the feelings for them necessary for the relationship you are seeking, without hurting them... but that's not possible! If they care for you, they are going to be hurt. But there are far too many cases of people holding on to unsatisfactory relationships just because they don't know how to put an end to it. Life is too short to fall into this trap.

So how can you do what you need to do, to break up with a partner, with respect, and spare their feelings as much as possible.

Be honest
Don't make up stories that you think will ease the process of breaking up. Sooner or later the truth will come up and your ex-partner will get (rightfully) angry at you for lying.

Even if it seems harder to do so, coming clean with the reasons you want to break up will yield the best results in the end.

Think about it this way. If it was you, wouldn't you want to know why your partner decides to leave you? You could use this information for self improvement, and to choose more wisely your next dating prospect. Right? So why deny this information to your future ex-partner?

Be specific
Please don't bring up the overused "it's not you, it's me" line. It will make you look dishonest even if you mean it in a truthful way.

If what you mean by this is that you feel that you are not ready for a stable and committed romantic relationship, you should be clear about it.

Whatever the reason, be concise and specific. Otherwise your partner will think you are just bringing up some common breakup line because you are not into them.

Be firm
Getting over an "ex" is hard enough to do. Don't give her or him false hopes out of guilt or sympathy. If you feel bad about your future ex-partner, creating false hope for him or her is only going to make it worse. It also opens the door to attempts at manipulating you, which will only lead to frustration for both of you and ongoing problems for you.

Be gentle
Being firm means being assertive. In other words, communicating the message with no room for confusion. It does not mean being rude!

At all times, keep in mind that you may be causing a lot of pain to the other person, so be assertive but as gentle as you can in the way you pick your words.

Expect some storm
No matter how much you try, how gentle, assertive, honest and clear you are with your partner. Breaking up is most likely going to be a process with a varying degree of conflict. Your job is to keep it as civilized as possible and to make the other person feel the lowest possible level of frustration.

Know ahead, however, that 99% of the times there will be frustration, tears and recriminations. It is only natural. Hey, we never said it was going to be easy!